So how are you really doing when it comes to your character development?
It can be a
bit difficult to tell, can’t it?
Character,
like so many things, seems hard to measure. It would be great if you could get
a simple reading like you would for your cholesterol or blood pressure. Then
you’d know.
Over my time
in leadership, I’ve discovered a simple test that tells me more than anything
where my character is.
And often,
I’m not thrilled with the results.
It’s so
simple you could do it in less than a minute.
The
test. The best way I know to assess the state of my character
is to simply analyze how I responded during the last crisis I found myself
in.
It could be
a crisis at home, at work, in my family—or any situation in which I had to
respond quickly to conflict or less than ideal circumstances.
The test?
Watch
how you responded to the crisis. It will tell you exactly
where your character is.
So, how did
you react the last time?
Your kids
melted down in the back seat?
Your spouse
got defensive when you suggested some things to do on Saturday?
Your ideas
got shot down at the meeting?
You showed
up Sunday, and a key element for the service was missing because someone else
messed up?
Your
computer crashed, and you lost the last 30 minutes of work?
You got
stuck in the longest line at the grocery store, and it made you late for your
next meeting?
You read
that email criticizing your leadership?
Be honest.
What did you
think?
What did you
say?
What did you
do?
Boom.
There’s the true state of your character.
Now you can
see why I don’t like what this test reveals.
But the
principle is hard to dismiss:
Crisis
reveals character.
In
fact, nothing reveals the true state of your character better than how you
handled your last crisis.
Wouldn't it
be great if the opposite were true?
I would like
to believe the opposite.
I would like
to believe that the true state of my character is revealed when I’m prepared
for a meeting, a Sunday, a work day, a family today. And to some extent, it is.
But the
truth is, I can usually pull myself together quite nicely for
those occasions. And that can lead me to believe I’ve got my character
under control when maybe I haven’t.
So go ahead
and live in denial. But you will stunt your growth. You will stunt your
opportunity to be truly transformed.
Nothing
reveals character like a crisis.
But remove
the margin; introduce some surprise, test my limits and I go back to my default.
Sure, if
you’re not flying off the handle like you used to with every minor issue—kudos.
But don’t
convince yourself you’ve arrived just yet. Let your last crisis show you what
still needs care and attention.
After all, as I outline here, it’s your character, not your competency, that determines
your true capacity as a leader.
Let your
last crisis be your clue to a better future.
You will be
tempted to convince yourself that your reactions under pressure are the
exception to the rule (you were under stress … it happened so quickly). But
they reveal more about us than any of us care to admit.
What if
those crisis points were a window into what God wants to do next in our lives?
What if we didn’t dismiss them, but saw them as a huge window for growth.
I find that
when I’m under pressure, I learn more about myself—my cracks, my weaknesses and
my true motivations—than at almost any other time
Don’t treat
your bad reactions as defeat, though.
Apologize.
Get through
it.
Treat it as
an opportunity to grow.
Those crisis
points will show you what God wants to work on next.
Your last
crisis is your clue to a better future—if you leverage it.
Avoid the
critical mistake too many leaders make.
So if
you really want to grow as a person and as a leader, what do
you do when you’ve seen your character in all of its ugliness?
I’ll tell
you what you’ll be tempted to do.
Ignore
it.
You will
live through the crisis and simply move on.
That’s what
most people do. And that’s why most people never really grow.
They just
keep making the same mistake over and over again.
Sure, you’re
not spiteful now. But that’s because there’s no crisis now.
You were spiteful yesterday. And you will be spiteful as soon
as the next crisis hits, unless you drill down.
Now you will
resist drilling down.
You will
think, “I got through this. The crisis is over. I’m just going to ignore it.”
HUGE
mistake.
It’s a
recipe for perpetual emotional immaturity. It’s a strategy perfectly designed
to stunt your growth.
So have the
courage, when things are ‘normal’ again, to do the soul work.
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So how do you learn after your last
crisis?
Start by trying to isolate how you
felt and how you behaved.
This list is nowhere near complete,
but here’s what I look for in me:
- · Blame
- · Accusation
- · Defensiveness
- · Anger
- · Jealousy
- · Boastfulness
- · Envy
- · Spitefulness
- · Denial
- · Resentment
- · Divisiveness I caused
And the list goes on.
When I spot those in myself—as
horrible as they are—I need to work through them.
How
do I work through them? How should you work through them?
1. Pray.
Get down on
your knees and confess your sin to God. He’s the one who heals, restores and
makes hearts new.
2. Read the Scripture through a
fresh lens.
Too many
people read the Bible because they’re supposed to. I read it sometimes as a
character study in what to do and what not to do.
For example,
I just finished reading through the life of Kings Saul and David. Neither was
perfect, but Saul consistently displayed emotional immaturity in his
leadership. He shrank from his responsibilities as king. He was perpetually
insecure to the point of paranoia.
David, while
imperfect, showed incredible self-discipline and clearly understood delayed
gratification in his early days, refusing to lift his hand against the Lord’s
anointed.
I can learn
from that.
3. Get some help.
Yep. Go see
a counselor. Talk to close friends. Confess your sins to each other. Process
your shortcomings with a mentor.
It’s
essential that you do this not just when you’re in crisis but when you’re not in
crisis. You will grow the most then. And you will prepare yourself proactively
before your next crisis hits.
4. Read, listen and grow.
I am
constantly reading, listening to podcasts and growing in the area of emotional
maturity.
Pete and
Geri Scazzero have an amazing ministry on emotional and spiritual health in ministry. Reading Pete’s book The Emotionally Healthy Church a decade ago was a game
changer for me.
And finally,
if you want a simple cheat sheet to get you started today, listen to Andy Stanley’s free four-part Enemies of
the Heart podcast.
In about 90 minutes total, Andy will walk you through how to deal with anger,
jealousy, guilt and greed. Incredible. And of course, you can pick up his book on those subjects as well.
Exceptionally practical and helpful advice.
So what’s
the bottom line?
Crisis
reveals character.
You can
write it off as instinct or proof you’re human. But you won’t grow from it.
Your
character is proof you’re still sinful and that Christ would like to take over
more territory in your life.
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